For example, I know a man who has a flirty wife and he tries to control her and pressure her to tone down her sexual energy. She doesn’t want to comply, so the addictive cycle is set up. The man tries to control his partner’s sexuality and she resists. That cycle doesn’t end because he’s trying to get his security satisfied from her (something external) when he needs to start getting his security satisfied internally. Because he looks for his “needs” in places where they can never be found, his unmet need drives the repetitive addiction and the destructive cycle.
I know a lady who tries to fulfill her security requirements by using her beauty to gain attention from both men and women. Her main weapon for “attention extraction” (from external sources) is the newest clothing. No matter how many people say “you look pretty today” it never satisfies what she “really needs” because that sort of self worth and stability can only come from inside. Because she looks for something “outside of herself”, which can only be found “inside of herself” she has shopped herself in bankruptcy 3 times in 20 years. She never gets what she’s really looking for, so the shopping addiction never ends. When you don’t get your needs met but you’re not willing to understand what drives your behavior…..addiction grows and disaster (the pain teacher) arrives.
Make sure you know what needs you’re looking to satisfy before you formulate a plan to get them satisfied. Understand your own behavior and why you do what you do. It can make your life better on all fronts. Most people think they’re addicted to things because “they like it” but that’s a dangerous over simplification of the issue.
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